This page is dedicated to everything that I think is cool. And seeing as I dont care about what most people in this world think not everyone is going to like it. But thats just tough shit on all of you that dont. Because this is my page not yours. It isnt done. It may never be done. It currently onlt contains some jokes. I may at a later date add something else. But till then this is what I have to offer
Jokes
First order of business. Jokes. I love reading jokes. I have a bunch of jokes I would like to share with those of you that may care. Each one of these is a joke. These arent catagories.
4 nuns died and went to Heaven and at the gate St Peter asked each of them a question. He askes the 1st nun if she had ever touched a guy's Dick-she said "Yes, but only with my hand." so then St Peter said "Well, go wash your hands in the HOLY WATER. He then askes the 2nd nun if she hadever touched a guy's Dick-she said "Yes, but only with my hand." so then St Peter said "Well, gowash your hands in the HOLY WATER. Just then the 4th nun cuts in front of the 3rd one and StPeter asks her why she did that. She says "I am not going to put my mouth in that water after he's had her ASS in it."
Two
deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
theyfind that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when
they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using
sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and
misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have
sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right
breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea
and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to
have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my
penis......fifty times"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner
that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it!
A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets
the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the
kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's
immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances
sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet
has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows
on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing
I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do
everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and
get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no
centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no
centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede
should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later...
still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the
centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45
minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin'
on my shoes!"
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A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable
pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for
three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and
he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the
Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber
from a recreational area."
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any
gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been
around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get
rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
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What is a cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
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What'ts the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish
Sheep Farmer?
The Rolling Stones say "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish Sheep farmer says "Hey! McCloud! Get off of my
ewe!"
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An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska
arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The
Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker
can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to
peck a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker
challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no
woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan
woodpecker express confidence that he could do it. After flying
to Texas and sucessfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two
woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able
to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to
peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in
their own state.
After thinking for some time they both came to the same
conclusion that "your pecker is always harder when you're
away from home".
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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company
at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot;
it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to
hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and
said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to
live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar
stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold
her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in
her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird
looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house,
new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
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A hunter was in a tree with his gun & sees a bear coming down
thepath. He takes careful aim & fires. Smoke clears and he
pears down the path. No bear! The hunter feels a tap on his
shoulder; looks behind him & seesthe bear. "Were you
trying to kill me?", the bear growls. "No,no, of course
not!". " I don't believe you", responded the bear.
He then screws the hell out of him.
The next day the hunter brings his AR-15 revolver. He climbed up
the sametree & waited. The bear appears & he lets a dozen
rounds fly. The smoke clearsno bear! TAP,TAP. " Just target
shooting?", says the bear. "Uh, well", the hunter
replied. Without waiting another second the bear throws him over
a logand screws the hell out of him.
The next day the hunter brings a semi-automatic rifle; climbs
into atree and waits. The bear arrives and he lets it rip. Smoke
clears;no bear. TAP,TAP. The hunter looks around. The bear says,
" You really aren't here for the hunting are you?".
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Bird Tags
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on
the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to
tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the
address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:
Wash. Biol. Surv.
until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas
camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was
a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I
want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company
at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot;
it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to
hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more
expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and
said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to
live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar
stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold
her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in
her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird
looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house,
new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
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This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it
happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the
night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell
this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the
gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep
coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he
puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer
to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.
This isnt so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a
show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging
around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and
crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle
of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's
terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and
hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
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A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his
shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his
mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have
12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there
is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the
sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The
butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he
decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to
a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the
lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the
butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts
looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to
wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front
of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number,
notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now
open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town
and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the
front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the
button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his
mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road,
and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops
the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path,
takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He
goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself
-whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the
path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of
the garden.He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it
several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at
the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and
starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are
you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's
sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the
second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor
besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would
you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted
that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all
the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody
could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with
a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone
felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way
that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian
dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's
cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian
dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American
dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian
dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have
happened. We had our best people working for five years with the
meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the
biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our
best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator
look like a Dachshund."
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A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain,
when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she
approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first
dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog
actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great
day going in and out of puddles."
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog.
"And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the
2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great
day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the
last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's
Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of
puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles,
and I've had an awful day."
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There are 2 whales, a male and a female who love swimming in the
ocean. Often they are irritated by the ships and the boaters
hogging the oceanand polluting it. Finally, the male whale has
had enough when a Naval boat comes buzzing by too close for
comfort. The male says to the female, "You go over to the
other side of their boat and ram it and blow at it, and Ill do
the same on this side, When they fall off the boat, lets eat
them". She obliges and after awhile all the men fall of the
boat, and the male devours them. The female does not participate
in this aspect. Puzzled the male asks her why. She replys,
"Why I gave a great blowjob, but I am Not swallowing any of
the seamen!!!
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The Discouraged Widow
A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing
for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet
shop. She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she
figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right
one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful
kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters,
past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.
Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was
looking for. She decided to go around the store again.
On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the
bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she
looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself!
She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the
other pets on display.
Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the
darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the
sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did
it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured
one last time around, just in case she missed something.
Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that
nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a
kiss!! This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just
about ran over to the other pets.
She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her,
but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping
birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed
right for her. Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go
home.
On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel
again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the
most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of
his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow,
she started heading for the exit in a hurry.
All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably
just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that
no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other
nice pets available.
So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take
the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she
got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and
proceeded to drive home.
As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from
the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that
the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What
could it hurt?)
She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,
"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and
KISSED him!
And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!
And do you know what our poor widow turned into?
The first motel she came to!
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And another frog one!
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess,
"I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a
spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince
and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you
can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and
forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept
laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
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A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a
biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um,
err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the
parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing
out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at
the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very
nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in
the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little
four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy
kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
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A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by
the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with
his butt sticking up in the air.
The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he
snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped
him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes
behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in
the butt as hard as he can.
Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He
thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life,
screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end.
The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases
the gorilla through the jungle.
Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting
closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on
some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits
down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading
it.
Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.
"RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did
you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean
the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he
stutters.
The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the
paper already?"
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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom
& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of
laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy
if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash
my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to
the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry
the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that
detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the
detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a
parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string
tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the
strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red
string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks
German," replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our
curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.
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why do firemen use dalmations?
because they're easy to spot.
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why did the turtle cross the road?
to get to the shell station.
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how can you catch a fish ????
have someone throw it to you.
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A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at
his feet.
"Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No," was the reply.
A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the guy's
leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said
indignantly.
"That's not my dog," was the answer.
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Two campers are walking around up in the mountains. Suddenly a
bear comes running out of the woods only a hundred feet away. But
instead of running away one of the guys throws down his pack and
takes out his tennis shoes. He then changes out of his boots.
"What are you doing " asked his friend? "You can't
outrun a bear." His friend looks up at him and replies...
"I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun
you."
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A duck walks into a harware store and asks the manager "do
you have any duck food?" and he says"NO, this is a
hardware store go away." the duck comes in everyday that
week. The manager gets really mad. On Friday when the duck comes
in, he says ," If you ask me for duck food anymore, I'll
nail your feet to everyday that week. The manager gets really
mad. On Friday when the duck comes in, he says ," If you ask
me for duck food anymore, I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
He doesn't see the duck for 3 days then he comes into the
hardware store and asks," do you have any nails?'' the
manager says "No." then the duck says," Oh, do you
have any duck food?"
There is a little taste of the jokes I have. I may if I feel the urge change these jokes periodiclly. Just so that it doesnt get boring.
If you feel the need to email me for any particular reason. My email address is: [email protected]